Johnny does the Singles!

 

Stranglers review the Singles! (Sounds, 1977)

 

Pop musicians review the singles, 1 of ?? : Morrissey - Smash Hits - October 1984

 

Some surprises here - warm words for Duran Duran.

Bonus bits

Morrissey on the U.K. weekly music press.

“The British music press is an art form”

- Morrissey, Sounds, June 1983

"I grew up a chanting believer in the New Musical Express.... deep in the magazine's empirical history, the New Musical Express was a propelling force that answered to no one. It led the way by the quality of its writers - Paul Morley, Julie Burchill, Paul du Noyer, Charles Shaar Murray, Nick Kent, Ian Penman, Miles - who would write more words than the articles demanded, and whose views saved some of us, and who pulled us all away from the electrifying boredom of everything and anything that represented the industry. As a consequence the chanting believers of the NME could not bear to miss a single issue; the torrential fluency of its writers left almost no space between words, and the NME became a culture in itself, whereas Melody Maker or Sounds just didn't.

"The wit imitated by the 90s understudies of Morley and Burchill assumed nastiness to be greatness, and were thus rewarded. But nastiness isn't wit and no writers from the 90s NME survive. Even with sarcasm, irony and innuendo there is an art, of sorts.

"It is on the backs of writers such as Morley, Burchill, Kent and Shaar Murray that the 'new' NME hitches its mule-cart"

- Morrissey, not so long ago

Morrissey's own music journalism

I had read that he contributed to Record Mirror under the nom de plume Sheridan Whitehead, but here are some reviews under his own name. He also "contributed" by writing to the letters page of NME incessantly, mostly about New York Dolls. (About whom he also penned a fan bio published as a short book).

Dave McCullough - Singles Page - Sounds - March 1 1980

Jarvis Cocker - Singles column - Melody Maker - October 27 1999

Singles... Reviewed by Jarvis

Melody Maker, 27 October 1999

[no idea who did the written bits that preface Jarvis speaking - which are in quotation marks - ghastly specimens of that late-stage-UK-music-press shouty-coarse comic mode)

Travis: Turn

Highpoint of "The Man Who", owns a City and Guilds in Advanced Showstopping and bombastic enough to blast holes through Neptune.

"This sounds like Travis. Slightly maudlin. It's difficult because initially when you hear their songs, you find them quite dull, but they do often become quite catchy the more you hear them. It was good that it ended when it did, because it had elements of wanting to be an anthem, and I thought it was gonna go on for another three minutes with a big guitar solo. Not really my cup of tea, but I've no doubt it'll do very well. They get played a lot on Radio 2 and I tend to listen to Radio 2 these days. It didn't offend me, but it didn't grab me either." 3.5/5

Five: Keep On Movin'

Giving up on their dream of being an EMF who wash, Five break out the sitars, the gospel backing singers and a strange squeaking noise like a Pekinese being startled with a radish.

"It must be a boy band because you get a different voice coming in on the second verse. Everybody has to have a turn, don't they? I haven't got a clue because that's not my scene. That's got the worst guitar sound ever at the beginning of it. Oh, it's Five (Sings a snippet of Everybody Get Up). Well out of five, I'd give that a one. It wasn't as good as 'Everybody Get Up', was it? That was just bland." 1/5

Dixie Chicks: Ready To Run

Sounds like Dolly Parton collaborating with B*Witched, if you can imagine the unspeakable pan pipe'n'pedal steel hell that entails. The Dubliners must've shagged Garth Brooks and then, nine months later, shat the Dixie Chicks out of their stinking, bloated, fiddly-diddly arses.

"This is absolute shit. I would've thought it was B*Witched, but they've only just released a single, haven't they? Is it Shania Twain? Younger than that? Give me the first letters of the first and second name. D and C? Dirty Cows? I feel like I'm in an Irish pub. And that bloody violin's a bit piercing. Violins at a clog dance is all right and quite a lot of ELO wasn't bad, were it? You can imagine it in those certain kinds of plastic theme bars, a very sanitised kind of pretend folk. Not keen. They look very healthy, though." 1/5

Guided By Voices: Hold On Hope

Hang on. So Alan McGee signs some past-it old codgers who can't remember what a proper recording studio looks like, leaves them alone to do whatever the f*** they like for a few months, and they come back with the best song of their career?!?! Shurely shome mishtake?

"Is it Semisonic? Has it got a chorus? You'll have to tell me who this is. Guided By Voices? I've heard the name but I've never heard them. It's all right. It sounds like the singer's trying to be John Lennon, I'm sorry to insult them by comparing them to Semisonic. Not particularly my bag, but all right. I'd imagine it would be a hit. They didn't always play the chords you'd expect, so there was a bit of imagination. And there was one bit of tune which was quite nice. I wouldn't buy it, but I wouldn't turn it off the radio." 1/5

Ricky Martin: Shake Your Bon-Bon

ARRRREEEEBAA!! The rubber-limbed Latin Lothario with the mile-wide mouth and a cock the size of a carnival float returns to shaft us soundly up the vida loca with his sexy salsa heel-clickin' shenanigans.

"Did he say 'Latin lover?' Is it Ricky Martin, then? 'I wanna lay ya in the Himalayas'? That would be a bit cold, then, wouldn't it? You could shag a yeti. It's not as good as 'Livin' La Vida Loca', is it? Did I live la vida loca? Oof, not half. My hands were the colour of ochre afterwards, No doubt it will be a big hit because he's the star of the moment, isn't he? Out of five, I'd give that two and a half. The extra half for the line about wanting to lay you in the Himalayas." 2.5/5

Bows: Britannica

Mumsy! That evil zombie clone of Dot Allison is in the wardrobe again! She's gonna get me with her spooky and rather pointless intelligent drum'n'psycho-violin'n'bass!

"It's all right. I don't think it's particularly original. The sounds are quite nice, but, for me, it's standing in that mid-range of being not terrible but not particularly grabbing. I can imagine it being played in a wine bar. I wouldn't throw up, but I probably wouldn't wont to stay all night." 3/5

The Crocketts: Nintendo Fallacy

Ah, that's better. Lovely soothing music box tinkles like ickie sugar plum fairy-waries playing hopscotch on Camberwick Green until - aaaaaarrgghhhh! - the Satan bastard offspring of Feargal Sharkey descends atop a flaming guitar of solid shite! Epileptic Molko anyone?

"The start was nice, it's gone downhill a bit now. If they got rid of the fuzzy guitar, it wouldn't be so bad. You keep thinking it's gonna go into a Sparks song as well. It's better than Semisonic, but it's got a poor chorus and the Larry The Lamb bit didn't do him any favours. The Crocketts? That's a bad name to call yourself. You're asking to be called a crock of shit, aren't ya? A bit jangle, weren't it?'' 3/5

Shola Ama: Still Believe

Shola still believes in love. Not all that impressive, unless she's spent the past year going to Hefner gigs with Damon Albarn. Can she die now, please?

"So this is a lady solo artist. Initials? SA? Shirley Arkwright? Sheila? Sarah? Oh, Shola Ama! Well this is dull, innit? It's got a gospel choir on it, which is a very big turn-off for me, especially after all that rock gospel stuff this year. It's hard for me to judge this sort of music because I don't know anything about it. It's that kind of mid-paced, pleasant nothingy type song. Can it stop? She hasn't had anything out in quite a while, has she? I wouldn't say it's a very strong return." 2/5

Beck: Sexxlaws

Ahhh, what's liddle Beck, the kooky chameleon, gone and done this time, eh? Northern soul trumpets? Bit Dexys, bit Radleys? Still an easy challenge for our Jarv, who has decided to guess the acts as they appear.

"The singing sounds like Beck. I haven't heard this before. That's unusual for him. When the brass started, I was afraid because I don't really like brass, but the banjo balanced it out. I'd probably have to hear that a few times. It must be hard because there's so many people trying to rip him off now. Was it Embrace who've done a song that sounds like a really shit version of Beck? That's f***ing appalling that song, especially the kazoo. That does go quite close to being pastiche, but it's got a few little twists and turns in it, a few daft noises and I do like the banjo." 3.5/5

Soothsayer: Can You Dig It

Boo Yakka! The Weird Al Yankovic of rap goes that one step beyond the page and sounds like Pop Will Eat Itself! In spooky voices! Nurse! The anti-skunk paranoia serum!

"It had worrying elements of being wacky. Some of the words and that weren't bad, but the music seemed really pedestrian in the background. I suggest he gets a better DJ. (Checks credits) Dr Israel should go back to his kibbutz. He wants to get someone with a little bit more funk." 2.5/5

Urusei Yatsura: Yon Kyoku Iri EP

Starts like a heavy metal Fun Lovin' Criminals, before diving joyously into the acid pool of Hiroshima death noizzze in which all Scottish musicians, apart from Travis and Runrig, are required to bathe thrice a day.

"UY? Urban Youth? Unavoidable Yawn? Can we stop it, please? That was crap. Just the most basic, indie sludge. Sounds like it could've happened any time in the last 10 years and it would still have been bad." 1/5

Jungle Brothers: Get Down

OK then, how about a jazz rap reworking of Kool And The Gang's "Get Down On It' with sporadic Charleston interludes and the sound of someone pissing against a wall?

"That's cheating, having someone else's chorus. The piano is all right, but the rapping is poor... This is a group, with the initials...? JB? Oh, it's them, innit. Jizz Bucket. The Jungle Brothers? They're supposed to be good, aren't they? That were crap. The best bit was the 'Get down on it' but I'd prefer to listen to the original version. It's all right when they take a song that you wouldn't be allowed or want to listen to and make something good out of it, but when it's like this, when the original song is quite good... that gets a one." 1/5

Junior Carter And West Street Mob: Breakdance Electric Boogie

'On your knees! On your back!' intones a vocoder robot like a Beginner's Guide To Breakdancing for morons. Jon Carter from Wall Of Sound is behind this, apparently. He deserves to be about six feet under it.

"If I had me piece of lino with me, I could do a bit of breakdancing, bit of robotics. I say they should've left it alone, not bothered remixing it. Fast forward to the B-side [Roots Manuva remixing 'The Message' by Grandmaster Flash]. Well, they've done a good job of screwing up that song, haven't they? The original of that was quite edgy, but they've made it into a lounge jazz thing. Bad idea. Just re-release the original one, I'd say. I'll never breakdance again." 1/5

Birth: Sweet Idol

A trip-hop version of early-Eighties soft rock types Godley And Creme. If you can conceive a concept more worthy of kneecapping, then send it in to the usual address and you could win a trip round to Birth's house with a chisel!

"A group beginning with B? The Bogards? Bulimia? BSE? Birth? More like after-birth. Sounds like a Semisonic B-side to me. Bland, yet offensive, which is quite a feat. Maybe it's fatigue setting in." 1.5/5

The Dumper (This week's absolute stinker!)

Semisonic: Closing Time

Beelzebub's own drinking tune.

"This sounds familiar as well. Is this Semisonic? It is! It's all in the name with that band. When has anything semi been good? A semi-lob-on, a semi-final, it's always halfway to something. It's semi-music, semi-good, which is no good at all. That's the worst one because it'll get played on the radio and it'll impact on my day in a bad way." 0.5/5

Jarvis' Single Of The Week...

Ian Brown: Love Like A Fountain

'Am I coming home yet?' sniffles rock's favourite former jailbird, his vocals muffled as if having his face pushed onto the floor of a shower cubicle. Then he's off on the techno chain gang, dreaming of soaring over those barbaric walls on wings of gilded melody. Pity, then, that he still sings like a crackgibbon with its nads stapled to a burning lamp-post.

"I've heard this one before. This is Ian Brown, isn't it? Yeah, I quite like this one. Let's see the picture."

No oil painting, is he?

"He is now. Yeah, I like that one. Everybody's always slagging his voice off, but think he's got a good voice. It was good in The Stone Roses because without his voice it just would've sounded like a heavy metal group. There's always been a dance element to his music. I don't know who did the picture but I like that too. It's a bit of a Crying Boy picture." 4/5

Dave McCullough - Singles Page - December 16 1978

 

Dave McCullough - singles column - Sounds - November 24 1979

 

David Stubbs - Singles column, with Disco Inferno and Main as SOTWs - Melody Maker - November 23 1991

bonus beat - Disco Inferno featurette by Dave Simpson

 

Jon Savage - Singels / Signels column - Sounds - November 5 1977

 

Jon Savage - Singles column - Sounds - October 7 1978

 

The Singles Column's Single Column - NME - August 14 1976

 

Jon Savage - Singles page - Sounds - June 4 1977

Jon Savage - Singles - Sounds - May 6 1978

 

Brian Eno - Singles column - Sounds - August 2 1975

 

Brian Eno

Singles column

Sounds, August 2, 1975 

JOHNNY'S NOT DEAD

 

ANTHONY MOORE & SLAPP HAPPY: JOHNNY'S DEAD [Virgin] - This seems to be by far the most interesting record this week. It even has a cover showing Anthony Moore looking weedy and artistic, a popular pose among us rock cognoscenti. This, like most of the records I like, has a built-in sense of failure. It almost certainly won't make the elusive BBC playlist, since they'll no doubt think that the subject of death shouldn't be broached with hoovering housewives. Any of you who are familiar with Slapp Happy's first (superb) album will be pleased to know that the B-side of this single is a new version of Mr Rainbow. Though this doesn't have that kind of frail, elusive quality that Slapp Happy usually achieve, it is nonetheless mysterious and underplayed, both very rare qualities in singles.

 

THE MIGHTY CLOUDS OF JOY: STONED WORLD [ABC] - Why do people sing songs that tell us to be free and get it together, and in various ways participate in half-baked neo-hippie philosophies? Is it a) because they are naive enough to believe that some change in behaviour patterns might result; b) because they believe it makes a fashionable alternative to writing songs about lost love or new dances; or c) because they feel it's expected of them to be meaningful? The Mighty Clouds Of Joy are presently on tour with The Rolling Stones in America, which might explain the near-cosmic indifference emanating from the ill-considered and tacky orchestration that slops around behind the (very pleasant) lead vocals. I'll give it two of John Peel's stars.

 

GENE FAITH: CALL THE FBI (MY BABY'S MISSING) [Power Exchange] - This Mr Faith is obviously no Percy. I like this record for a number of reasons; not least among them are the following: a) Mr Faith sings consistently sharp throughout the record, an achievement not to be sniffed at and b) the bass guitar sounds as though it was recorded live from the Soyuz module.

 

POINTER SISTERS: HOW LONG [ABC] - I was never terribly fond of the Pointer Sisters, but they seem to have tapped a slightly more interesting approach on this single. It is a bit marred by that dreadful tendency one observes among black record producers to erupt into indistinct yelps and hollers (I believe that's what they're called) as the record fades off into posterity. However, this fault is more than compensated for by the nice Staples/gospel feel in the lead vocals. I would even go so far as to say that I like this record. Perhaps I can construct a little plastic bridge over the end section so that I don't have to hear it.

 

WALT ROCKMAN: Z-SHED [BBC Records] - I might even use this record in future lectures on misuse of the synthesizer, misused here to simulate the squawking of a retarded farmyard duck. This record is truly without peer as the limpest piece of garbage I have ever set ears on. It doesn't grow on you either, so the BBC will have to keep it on their playlist until about 1978 to cover the few pounds it cost to make. Incidentally, it is the theme music for some TV propgramme or other, which is doubtless equally earth-shattering in its crassness. The record is such a paradigm of unmitigated, uncommitted, uninspired, unadventurous, unwanted and uncalled for rubbish that I am now playing it for the fourth time,, my eyes agog, with disbelief, my ears wilting, and my fingers barely able to hit the typewriter. Don't worry Walt; I know you're only doing your job. Someone's got to make records like this.

 

AMAZING RHYTHM ACES: THIRD RATE ROMANCE [ABC] - The subject matter of this record is quite engaging. It concerns a meeting between two people who don't like each other and culminates in their renting a motel room whereby they can rub against each other abd do all that kind of thing in a half-hearted and lethargic way. Quite a sad record really and, unfortunately, it's not as strong musically as it is lyrically.

 

FREDDIE FENDER: WASTED DAYS AND WASTED NIGHTS [ABC] - This is a great record. Freddy sounds as though he's some bumbling, pigeon-toed cowboy hick delivering this memorable performance with his dentures in one hand and his private parts in the other. Yes, it does sound as though he's restraining himself from performing some vital bodily function (hold on until the instrumental Freddy). Don't misunderstand me - I really like this record in all its oddness. A truly bizarre voice. It's a pity that American music seems to have temporarily stopped spawning people with bizarre vocal styles - a tradition which was, I suppose, rooted in the blues - in favour of that kind of confident smooth sound typified by Al Green. I conjecture that the blues styles developed out of a sublime mixture of incompetence, and the resultant restraint, plus real pleasure in singing. So perhaps it's one or all three of those qualities that's gone missing for a while.

 

RIVER: COME A LITTLE CLOSER [Epic] - Talking of confident smoothness, this record typifies both in a kind of rather yucky base of so-called good production. Good production, dear reader, means, in the record industry, that you can hear every sizzle and twitch of that boring high-hat part juxtaposed over every prang of that workmanlike 12-string on the lower left of the stereo next to the bass we added. What I frequently ask myself is, do you need to hear all these things, or for that matter, any of them? Might it be better that some of them obscure each other? This kind of production attempts to take all the mystery and potential for magic out of the sound itself, in order to convince us that everything is all right and under control. This kind of record is the result of a) greater competence among engineers and b) the supposition that certain technological devices are 'essential' to a recording. This is a foolish idea and does not withstand even minimal investigation. It has not occurred to anybody yet that the people who buy equipment for recording studios are more than anyone else responsible for the common identity and similar content of material emerging from that studio. When people talk about the death of rock and so on, they discuss it in the same way people talked politics in the '30s - as though it were a question of right and wrong, lack of spirit, change of motivation etc. or in some mysterious way to do with the "capitalist business machinery of the record industry" attempting to enforce some kind of diluted and averaged-out identity on to all its products. It is neither of these things. They are both connected with human ambitions and intentions and human failure or success, whereas I say that what the key factor on these changes - the technology - is developed, and will continue to develop, entirely independent of that kind of attention. This is not an anti-technological argument, but rather a way that the use of technology is itself an art-form and hasn't yet been recognised as one. Or if it has, it certainly hasn't been recognised by enough good artists. And it has never been identified critically. Back to this record. It's innocuous.

 

IPOH: IN PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS [CBS] - Some of what has been said above applies here, nut in this case the unashamedly "muzaky" quality endears me somewhat to the record. Muzak is defined as attempting to spread aural light where before there was only silence, chaos and embarrassment. Again, one notices the mistake prevalent among Bishops and Deans of Cathedrals - to illuminate all these deep and mysterious caves and corners with 2,000 watt bulbs "so you can see all the fine detail" that the artisans have put in there. You canm be sure the artisans never saw them. Enlightenment Mixing; The age of Reasons.

 

HUDSON BROTHERS: RENDEZVOUS [Rocket] - This is quite nice, if a bit drippy, but we all have our drippy phases. The have very beautiful voices but most of the time they seem to feel that they ought not to use them seriously (fear of becoming more drippy?); most of the time they're almost parodying. The B-side is quite odd and better than most B-sides. they really ought to stop trying to come on like they're so worldly, Camp is the process of defending yourself from your influences - a thoroughly unhealthy procedure. If they stopped killing off their brain cells with that LA sun that oozes from their mouths and did a bit of hard work, I imagine they have a promising future. Listening to the B-side again, it's like a Burton's catalogue of American popular music styles - "well sir we can do a nice country and western in harmless grey-green to set off that rhythm and blues..."

 

BRENT DOWN: NO SWEETER WAY [Torpedo] - Half-hearted reggae with gruesome overdubbed strings and bass. Let me take this opportunity to encourage Torpedo Records to re-release Errol English's single that someone borrowed from me and whose title I've forgotten. Let me also take this opportunity tommention that while you are now all buying Wailers records (as seems to be this month's recommended procedure), don't forget to take occasional pot-luck on some of those other mysterious and univiting platters you see in the Skank-piles, if such a piece of pidgin-Jamaican may be excused. Things like Big Youth and Delroy Wilson. There are some greatv reggae singles laying around unnoticed by companies who manufacture and fail to distribute them. However, I will accept quite a minimal consultancy fee of well below figures to tell them which ones.

 

MANFRED MANN'S EARTH BAND: SPIRITS IN THE NIGHT [Bronze Records] - I have an underdeveloped admiration for Manfred Mann - as with many other bands I've always enjoyed them but never owned their records. But I don't own many records anyway and have to feel fairly curious to acquire them, so my record collection is a collection of curiosities rather than enjoyable records. This single is not a curiosity but is enjoyable.

 

THE GLITTER BAND: LOVE IN THE AIR [Bell] - This is produced by Mike Leander, inventor and perpetuator of the Glitter sound. It interests me that most of the interesting work production-wise is done at this level of the music business and not among the so-called "musicianly" strata of the rock community. the sound on this record is very curious and enjoyable - the song is really crappy. I think one must listen to these songs as simply a vehicle for presenting a piece of this kind of sound. The use of the studio is the real artistry here, though I don't think it's anywhere near as bold as the early Glitter singles. There isn't the sense of a risk being taken, and it was that sense permeating the records that made Gary Glitter so remarkable.

 

PETER SKELLERN: HARD TIMES [Island] / BOB MARLEY & THE WAILERS: SO JAH SAY [Island] - Island Records is one of the few record companies that seems to enjoy music and maintain a high standard in the records they release. Consequently, I must confess to a certain pride in my affiliation to the label. I have deliberately mentioned this side of the Wailers single because I like it much better than the A-side which is in turn nothing to be sneered at. Peter Skellern writes very good songs and this is one of the best. Both substantial singles.

Dave McCullough - The Undertones "Teenage Kicks" / Singles Page - Sounds - September 30 1978

 

(via Soundsclips)